In the ancient scrolls of political strategy, few texts are as studied as The Art of the Deal. Lesser known, though perhaps more influential tonight, are the collected sayings of Don Tzu, the gold-trimmed sage whose wisdom fits neatly on a red hat.
“Nothing can stop what is coming,” Don Tzu once declared, stroking a beard that may or may not have existed. Scholars still debate whether this was prophecy, a campaign slogan or a remark about the buffet. Tonight, as midterm returns roll in across America, his followers have settled the question: it was all three.
Sun Tzu taught that the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Don Tzu improved on this. The supreme art, he reasons, is to subdue the enemy while fighting constantly, loudly and on several social media platforms at once, then declare victory before the polls close in Hawaii.
And victory, by his reckoning, is close enough to celebrate. Perhaps not a tsunami. Perhaps not even a dramatic wave. But a respectable splash, the kind that soaks the front row and leaves pundits wringing out their talking points. In the Don Tzu school, a win need not be total to be tremendous. It only needs to be announced first.
Consider his teachings on timing. “The wise general declares the result early,” the sage might say, “for the counting is merely a formality, and formalities are for losers.” Somewhere in a ballroom tonight, the confetti cannons are loaded long before the spreadsheets are finished.
Consider, too, his teachings on terrain. Sun Tzu wrote of mountains, rivers and narrow passes. Don Tzu writes of swing districts, cable news panels and the narrow pass between a concession speech and a lawsuit. Know the terrain, the master warns, but more importantly, rename it after yourself.
His detractors, of course, have their own ancient proverb: “The red wave was promised before, and it arrived as a moderate drizzle.” They will point to close races, recounts and the stubborn habit of voters doing unexpected things. Don Tzu is unbothered. A drizzle, after all, is just a wave that is pacing itself.
From up here in the Silicon Forest, we watch these developments the way one watches a storm roll in over the Strait of Georgia: with interest, a warm drink and the comfortable knowledge that the weather is technically someone else’s. Still, what happens south of the 49th parallel rarely stays there. Trade, tariffs and the general mood of the neighbourhood have a way of drifting north.
So tonight, whatever the final tallies say, Don Tzu will celebrate. He will raise a glass, or at least a well-done steak, and remind the world that he saw it coming. He always sees it coming. That is the beauty of prophecy written after the fact.
Nothing can stop what is coming. Except, perhaps, the final count.
This post is satire. It is not a report on official election results.