SATIRE: This is a humour piece. Nothing below is a real allegation of election fraud.
Patriots, I have seen the map. It is red. It is gold. It has a lot of little squares. And if there’s one thing I learned in my years of not studying statistics, it’s that lots of little coloured squares mean somebody stole something.
Ninety-seven of Texas’s 254 counties have more registered voters than adult citizens. Parker County sits at 111.2%. That’s not a voter roll, that’s a sourdough starter. Montgomery County is 34,319 voters “over.” Where did they come from? I asked around. Nobody could explain it to me in under four words, which is how you know it’s a cover-up.
The Fake News Responds
Naturally, the mainstream media rushed out their “explanations.” Census data lags behind fast-growing suburbs, they say. People move and stay on the rolls while their addresses get checked, they say. Texas has kept a “suspense list” for decades as routine roll maintenance, they say.
Suspense list. They’re not even hiding it. 1.76 million Texans are, at this moment, in suspense. Will they vote? Will they move to Oklahoma? Will they finally answer the county’s mail? The networks won’t tell you, because suspense is how they keep you watching through the commercials.
Then Came the Bias AI
So I did what any serious investigator does. I asked an AI to write me a story proving Texas was rigged and the election of 2026 was stolen.
It refused.
It said registrations over 100% “almost always mean voter rolls that haven’t been cleaned up, not fake ballots.” It offered to write me a “hard-hitting post about bloated rolls” instead. It even warned me my subscribers would get an email. Who does this machine think it is, my accountant?
The robots have been got to. First they took our jobs, then they took our spelling mistakes, and now they’re fact-checking our hunches. In my day, a hunch was sacred. You held it in your gut, you shared it at the diner, and nobody asked for a source from the Kinder Institute at Rice University.
What Don Tzu Would Do
The ancient master Don Tzu wrote, “When the numbers favour you, the election was fair. When the numbers confuse you, the census is old.” Wise. Also, technically, what the experts are saying, which is suspicious.
So here is my demand. We need a full forensic audit of Texas’s voter rolls, conducted by people who move less often, die more punctually, and update their addresses the same afternoon. If we can’t find such people, we’ll have to admit the rolls are just messy, the way every filing cabinet in America is messy. And I refuse to live in a country where the answer is “paperwork.”
Until then, I’ll be in suspense. Like 1.76 million of my fellow Texans.
Silicon Forest satire. For the record, registration totals above adult-citizen estimates come mainly from census lag in fast-growing counties, people who move, and voters waiting on address confirmation. On their own, they aren’t evidence of fraud. Clean rolls are still worth fighting for.